What You Will Never Know
by Suicide In A Bottle
Summary: He has only ever lied to her about one thing, one very important thing.


A/N; I decided to look up some Namie/Seji fics cuz I wanted to see if there were any. There were only 2 complete ones and they were both from Namie's POV then I started thinking of parts a fic from Seji's POV and this happened. I didn't intent for it to be this long but it developed a mind of its own. -_-'

Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara! If I did Seji would have killed Mika properly the first time and there wouldn't be any of this she was barely alive crap.

* * *

><p>What You Will Never Know<p>

I know you think I don't have a clue, but I know all about what goes on in your head. Do you honestly think I don't know how you feel, sis?

Really?

You think I don't notice the way your eyes light up every time I look your way, or hear the warmth your voice always carries when you speak to me? I do, I also see the subtle flush the comes to your face whenever I ask you for something and no matter what it is I always get it; even if it's something completely outrageous, you always give me what I want. But you, my dear sister, think I am oblivious to all of these things and your true feelings. The thing is, sis, I _do_ know.

Believe me, I know. I have always known how you felt about me. Ever since we were children and it was just the two of us in that huge, old house of Uncle's, I've known. Even though I was still very young and did not fully understand what, _exactly_, it was that I felt for you; I knew whatever it was, was stronger than anything I had ever felt before or have ever felt since.

My precious older sister.

Your beauty is not unlike the dolls grandfather use to send you, but they could never compare to you; nothing could ever compare to you. Yours was then (and still is now) a beauty that I could not describe in words, even to this day the words _still_ eludes me.

It wasn't until I was a bit older that I began to realize that what I felt was, as society would say, sick and twisted. I never saw it that way, however, I knew what people would think if I let it slip. I cared very little for what society thought then. You were the only thing I ever thought about, my world revolved around and yours around me. We were perfect just the way we were, existing in our own world and most importantly; we were happy. Unfortunately, for us, time continued to pass. And as it did I found myself struggling with the way I felt about you, Namie. I found that the doubtless mind that one has as a child is not everlasting. As I neared my teens, I started to wonder what I would do, if anyone discovered the way I loved you was more than I brother should.

Then, that fateful day came. The day you showed _her_ to me, the secret Uncle had hidden away in his study; Celty. The sleeping head that continued to live without a body. She was beautiful, not as beautiful as you, Namie; but beautiful all the same. I was entranced by her and you could see it, couldn't you? And it broke your heart, didn't it sister? The very notion that I might love _anything_ more than you chilled you to the core. I didn't love her, though, not really; but I pretended to. It was the only way I could keep my true feelings from you, forgive me. I knew she could never really take your place, although I tried to believe she could.

She didn't.

They say if you wear a mask long enough you forget who the real you is. I can say with certainty that it is not true. At least for me, it isn't. Though, I did indeed change. I became monotonous and cold, indifferent and seemingly incapable of caring about anything else except Celty. She was more of an obsession than anything else, and not even that to tell the truth. She was a replacement and a poor one at that.

It didn't matter how much I pretended to love her or how much time I spend staring and gazing and _make-believing_ that I wanted her; it wasn't real. My every thought was still about you. I was in high school by then but I still played the part. I even went so far as break into the lab where you had her head moved. Another thing you thought I didn't know, sister. You knew I had stolen it, but you did nothing.

Everything would have been fine, if that dammed girl hadn't broken into my place.

That Bitch, she ruined _everything_! Even so, I did kill her. I didn't want to but I did. I _had _to, for you, sister. Once I knew she had seen Celty's head...I knew there was no possible way I could let her leave. She would have gone to the police and then what? An investigation would have been the end of you, Namie. The whole world would know about my sick (fake, fake, fake) obsession with a head in a jar, your entire future would have been destroyed and I could not let that happen to you. I did not think of mother and father and what the scandal would have done to them, just you. You would have been disgraced and humiliated because of me. It would be an _extremely_ cold day in HELL, before I let that happen.

So, I panicked and crushed her head into the wall...

It was the only option I had, given the circumstance, and since I'm already going to hell; I might as well admit that a very big part of me liked it. ALL of it: the way my pulse sped up, the rush of adrenaline, the amazing feeling of raw power. The _CRACK_ of her skull as it shattered was amazing. Then she was dead and I did the only thing I could do: I called you. And like always, you took care of the situation, you took care of _me._ I was scared of what you would think, but you didn't care about what I did because I still needed you. That simple fact was more than enough to please you.

Just like always.

You had your men take the body away and clean the mess that had been left behind. In exchange I gave Celty back; it was a very hard thing for me to do. Giving her back meant that I'd have to find something else to occupy my time and attention. Or so I thought. It was not so long after that you answered my unspoken prayers again. My brilliant, amazing sister. You gave Celty a body of her very own!

The thought filled me with so much joy I thought I would burst!

The very thing I had spent so much time wishing would happen did. She was stunning, though she could never outshine you, Namie; more over she was real. It was the very thing that I needed most: a reason to leave. So, I did. I packed what little I needed and never looked back. If it weren't for the fact that you made me promise not to leave Ikebukuro...

You would have never seen me again.

The fact of it is, however, that you did and so I kept my promise. It didn't matter how far away I was from you, it just mattered that you weren't near me. I had Celty and while I still didn't love her (I had long realized that I could never love anyone but you in any capacity); I found that I did want to protect her. It was in this manner that I passed the time and before I knew it months had passed and then everything came crashing down around me.

The confrontation with the fabled Headless Rider. Celty's body was the Headless Rider.

...You knew the whole time, Namie, you knew! All the months that I had spent with "Celty", it was all a lie; it wasn't really her all!

It was that stalker Mika, she was actually still alive...you tricked me, sister. You made her look like Celty, to please me. What reason did I have to distrust you? None. I didn't want to believe it, even though Mika confirmed everything. What a damned fool I was, I should have known, but instead of making me angry; the opposite happened. I was inspired and in awe. Mika, unbalanced and in desperate need of help as she was, still loved me even after I tried (and failed) to kill her. It was (and still is) _not,_ in anyway, healthy at all, but it works. So, I made the choice to accept her "love" until I could find the "real" Celty.

~'~

I am going to ask her to marry me. I still do not love her (I never will), however much she claims to loves me (it is still just an obsession) and I can live with that (It will have to be enough). I've come to you for money to buy the ring. My voice never wavers (even though it wants to shake), my eyes never leave yours (even though, really, I do not want to look you in the eye), and my smile never falters (even though I do not want to smile). I can see the shock written on your face and the way your eyes mist over. You want to cry so much. But you will not allow yourself that weakness.

Not while I am here.

This is not how you imagined this ending. This isn't what you want. You what to yell and scream and tell me how much I mean to you. You want to hold me and cry and scream and beg me not to break your heart, not again. More importantly you want this all to have been some kind of terrible nightmare that you can wake up from, where none of this will have never happened. I want the same thing, but we both know that most of the time people never get what they want.

The reality: this _is_ happening and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

The response you give me is shaky at best (I pretend not to notice, you think I don't). I get the answer I wanted (you will never refuse me anything) and I leave, shutting the door softly behind me. When the door closes, we both become completely different people. I can hear you crying, ne-chan, it hurts, but there is nothing I can do about it now (though every part of me wants to). This is the path I have chosen, _for you_, please forgive me. I walk away from your study and out of the house.

I know that this is tearing you apart from the inside, that knowledge that I am going to be with someone, anyone else but _you_ is doing more damage than anything ever could. I know every thought that is running through what remains of the shattered glass that was your heart, your soul, and your very _being (down to the very last word)_.

The very thing that I have gone to such great lengths to hide (and _keep_ hidden) from you, the exact reason that I have broken you all over again; the one thing about me that you can never hear me say:

What you will never know, Namie, is that I love you too...


End file.
